Can we please declare Nebraska’s official state animal the white wiener? Right now it’s the white-tailed deer, and you did not know that, but you do know that the entire damn state worships the phallus of the white man, so let’s just make it official.
A simple blog entry could not begin to detail the multitudinous ways every step of government in this state centers White Whang, but we can take a look at the most recent case in point.
Ben Madsen decided that his Lincoln billiards and bowling business simply could not make it in these tough times unless he allowed the place to be packed full of naked-faced boomers snorffeling vapors out of their shnozzes. This wouldn’t be America if the offspring of the Greatest Generation had to suffer two layers of cotton in front of their steak holes while fondling balls just to minimize the chance that a neighbor, teacher, or schoolkid with diabetes will die. Fuck no, that will not stand! It was time to go Braveheart for the cause of barefaced pandemic bowling!
So Madsen decided to defy the health order that is almost certainly responsible for the recent drop in Lincoln COVID cases–you know, the actual fucking drop in virus cases that is exactly what will allow his shitty business and every other business, school, and church in Lincoln to actually go back to something approaching normal without killing anybody.
And what happened when this white wiener openly defied the life-saving public health order? If you’ve been following the news in Lincoln lately, you might assume that the police showed up and tear-gassed his defiant crowd or shot Billiard Bundy’s nose off with a rubber bullet, the way police and sheriff’s deputies did to young black and brown protesters in Lincoln earlier this summer. But you actually wouldn’t assume that even if you had been following the news because you know that this crowd had something the BLM protesters did not.
Organized by a white man and predicated on the idea that freedom equals whatever a random white dipshit with the impulse control and public health acumen of a toddler wants for himself today, this potentially deadly open defiance of the law was loyal to the Pale Peen.
The City of Lincoln takes great care to be sensitive and gentle when handling the Pallid Pizzle. Whether it’s boogaloo white supremacists strapped with AR-15s, Yosemite Sam insisting he should be allowed to leave his guns lying around for children to access, Jeff Fartenberry demanding hours of forensics and prosecution for correcting his campaign sign, or a Y’All Qaeda COVID hoedown, we must give the Ivory Knob what it wants or be very careful to let it down gently.
So the City asked Madsen politely, then sought help from the courts to please tell it what on earth government is to do when the person breaking the law is not a woman or a black man or a brown kid but a member of the Pasty Pecker Society. What shall we do, O Judge? implored the City. We beseech thee, Solomon! Tell us how we are to respond to open, deadly lawbreaking by a Snowy Scrotum!
“Uh, what the fuck? Send the police like you do for literally anything else,” responded the judge (more or less), dooming the City to a cruel Sophie’s Choice between its own basic directives to protect life and the precious feelings of Wrong Dong Silver.
Meanwhile, BraveShart had (free?) legal representation from Pete Ricketts’s BFF and former GOP head James Spray, and the Lincoln Independent Business Association (LIBA), which opposes public schools, gay people, and flood control, showed up in full force to cheerlead for Deathpecker. And in case you were wondering, yes, of course Madsen has made the requisite contributions to the video genre that is favored by the Phallic Feelings camp: Angry White Dude Yaps into His Smartphone about Rights in His Car Because He Knows You’d Rather Gaze Upon His Wise Male Visage than Read.
In this video, we learn from his fascist-on-top/Taliban-on-bottom head the following:
“They absolutely have to silence me because I am the person standing against their tyranny!”
“They will not defeat me for God is on my side.”
“They pushed back and I’m going to push back even harder.”
I don’t know about you, but there was a time in my life when a man with a Rasputin beard ranting that God Himself supported his right to infect people with a virus would have been considered batshit crazy, rather than the cause célèbre of the majority party in state government.
When the City finally dealt with flagrant lawbreaking that was likely to lead to someone’s death on Saturday, they sent police officers hours in advance of the business’s opening to stand guard to ensure nobody entered. It was a grand old time.
By contrast, recall how law enforcement responded to BLM protesters downtown in May:
So really, can we just make this official? Let’s pronounce the Albino Trouser Worm the state mascot.