As you may recall, a cadre of white supremacists, conspiracy theorists, and insurrectionists stormed the U.S. Capitol last January 6 in an effort to overturn the election and reinstall their authoritarian hero. These are some of the Nebraskans that were among them. If we missed anyone, please let us know.
To date, Brandon Straka is the only Nebraska resident who has faced criminal charges for his involvement in the Capitol insurrection. After this braniac filmed himself yelling at others on the steps of the Capitol to charge at a police officer and steal his shield, Straka was charged with impeding a law enforcement officer during civil disorder, knowingly entering and remaining on restricted grounds without lawful authority and/or engaging in disorderly conduct within proximity to a restricted building to impede official functions, and engaging in disorderly conduct with intent to disturb a hearing before Congress. Straka pleaded guilty to federal charges of engaging in disorderly and disruptive conduct and federal prosecutors say he is cooperating with them.
Straka is originally from Omaha. He attracted the admiration of a panoply of local deplorables when he secured funding from Alex Jones and served as the front man for the Walk Away Campaign, supposedly a movement of people who had left the Democratic Party. We say he served as the front man rather than the founder because it’s quite unlikely this hapless jackass actually cooked up this campaign himself. In fact, the campaign was revealed to be riding momentum almost entirely produced by Russian bot accounts. Even the ridiculous photos showing Democrats “walking away” from the party were revealed by Stephen Colbert to be royalty-free stock photos.
So we have a Russian bot campaign using stock photos to show Democrats leaving the party with a random Omaha dummy serving as the figurehead. Who would go for this? Why, Congressman Don Bacon, of course! Before the insurrection attempt, the two appeared together as VIPs at some ridiculous “rally” in Omaha in which Shutterstock LGBT folks and people of color would supposedly run into the warm embrace of MAGA.
Charles Herbster is one of the main contenders for governor of Nebraska in 2022, up against Ricketts-BFF Jim Pillen and Herbster’s own former running mate, Theresa Thibodeau. Herbster made his money off of bull semen. Yes, bull semen. (And let us just tell you right now that a bull jizz billionare is not even the weirdest whackadoodle from the Nebraska contingency who attended the attempted coup, but you will have to read further for that.)
Charles Herbster did not just attend the Capitol riot–he was actually in Trump’s war room.
Dr. Lee Merritt
Dr. Lee Merritt is somehow licensed to practice medicine in Nebraska and has shown up at Omaha City Council meetings to deploy her medical credentials to argue against basic public health measures.
And what are Dr. Merritt’s medical credentials? You are probably already guessing that she practices something stupid, but friends, I don’t think you are ever going to guess how bad it really is.
Yes, vaginal rejuvenation.
Is your vag as old as you are? Has the patriarch in your life complained that the youthful and perky penis fly trap that once delighted him is now a sad, floppy, arid wasteland, like a half-deflated noodle dude outside a car wash?
No worries! Dr. Lee Merrit can tighten that shit up! A little trimming of the old beef curtains, some Febreeze, and you are all set!
And if you trust Dr. Merritt to perform a little muff puff, OF COURSE you will trust her thoughts on wireless routers getting into your DNA and how vaccines are “experimental biological agents.”
[EDITORS’ NOTE: An earlier version of this article erroneously ascribed to Dr. Lee Merritt the view that vag diseases were caused by demons humping you in your sleep, but we have learned that these were the views of an entirely different freaking nutjob anti-vax doctor, Stella Immanuel, whose show Lee Merritt was a guest on.]
Anyhow, in January 2021 Omaha’s Dr. Lee Merritt took her “45” knit hat and vagina socket wrench and absconded across country to the steps of the U.S. Capitol.
(Oh and by the way: Even the Omaha vaginal rejuvenation joint is now distancing itself from Lee Merritt like a flaccid MAGA penis from a saggy vulva trailing the ground. You know you’ve really accomplished something when even the local beaver reliever has to publish a disclaimer.)
After your intimate folds have been steam cleaned by Dr. Lee Merritt, why not head over to another female servant to the white nationalist patriarchy and have your fingernails serviced by Fanchon Blythe of Fanchon Nails?
Fanchon is a notorious Lincoln COVID denier who immediately applied for and received a PPP loan. She planned a local Back the Blue rally, then went to the U.S. Capitol and joined a crowd that laid siege and attacked Capitol police.
Fanchon also contended that it was Antifa dressed as Trump supporters who stormed the Capitol, though later she described them as “overzealous” rally participants to the Lincoln Journal Star. (Take a moment to savor how that article reports her dipshit insurrectionist opinion as though it’s neutral eye-witness testimony and calls none of it into question.)
Kevin Spracklin AKA Rowdy Cain
“Rowdy Cain” may sound like a euphemism for what Dr. Lee Merritt is hoping your rejuvenated vagina will finally provoke in your MAGA husband, but it is actually a fake name chosen from all the world’s possibilities by shitty musician and Omaha resident Kevin Spracklin. We are not sure why Kevin decided to change his name–was it related to the charges of first degree sexual assault and false imprisonment that he faced and was eventually acquitted of in a bench trial in 2007? Who knows.
What we do know is that he produced by his count 1,000 “tactical flagpoles”–or rowdy canes, if you will–for the attempted coup on January 6, 2021.
Here he is with the now-famous “Q Shaman,” the dude who looks like Braveheart humped Apa from The Last Airbender. Note that the buffalo dude is holding a “tactical flagpole.”
As Twitter users Lauren Eckstein (a PhD candidate in History at UPenn) and Chad Loder noted, a lot of violence that day was perpetrated with the 2-inch-thick flagpoles that the seditious mob was armed with. The fact that he called them “tactical” indicates that they met their intended purpose. Spracklin also encouraged his lemmings to pack wasp spray and pepper spray–you know, as one does for a totally normal patriotic stroll on the Capitol steps.
Adam Yowell and Conlan Custard
These two young douches in attendance at the Capitol riot were caught on film shouting the following at Capitol police while sporting Husker and Christianist gear: “Fuck you, you fucking traitors! Burn in fucking hell!” “Fuck you!” “Pieces of shit! Fuck the blue! Fuck the blue!” Skip to about 1:17 in this video to watch:
Seeing Red Nebraska’s Instagram followers immediately identified these two chodes as Adam Yowell and Conlan Custard, both of whom attended Millard South High School and now attend the University of Nebraska-Omaha. According to Custard, he is a member of the UNO chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha (or PIKEs), which you will be 100% unshocked to know is nationally a notoriously douchey frat.
David Fulton and Goatee Dude
Last but not least, Nebraska resident David Fulton, a priest from Central City, attended the insurrection with an unnamed acolyte we call Goatee Dude. We encourage you to read our previous coverage of this truly freaking beyond nutbag who literally tried to perform an exorcism at the Capitol. This dude thinks there is a demon named Baphomet who is dissolving the country.
Please note: It is unclear if Baphomet is the same demon available to boink your flabby vag in your sleep–we will need more info from Dr. Lee Merritt on that one. In the meantime, you continue to seek spiritual guidance from this priest in Central City, because of course he is still working there.
Updated to Add:
Robert Kunze of Aurora was at the Capitol that day. He tweeted from the Capitol that “zero Antifa” were present, then told the local rightwing media that he believed Antifa was present, and also that hardly anyone went inside the building, and also that a mob mentality had taken over, and at any rate he wants everyone to know he definitely did not go into the building, and that people were trying to break in all over the building, but that there were no obstacles to entering the building because apparently the police must not have cared if people entered the building. Oh, and of course numerous newspapers around the state credulously recounted this laughable goulash of bullshit as though it was a factual account.
Haile Kucera was at the Capitol a year ago with a “couple million” other people, LOL.
She is now running for Legislature. We noticed that she mentions her husband on her campaign web site, referring to him only by his first name, Michael. We also noticed that she kept her maiden name–which we entirely support, of course, but is unusual among the pick-me MAGA lady crowd. Wondering why this was, we investigated further and discovered the shocking truth:
Michael’s last name is McAnally.